From Hillbilly to Hill-billy Serious About This
My fellow Americans, today I stand before you as living proof that you can go from calling someone "America's Hitler" to being his running mate, and now his successor. The beard has guided me on this journey, whispering wisdom about the importance of flexibility in one's deeply held convictions.
As I wrote in my bestselling memoir, Hillbilly Elegy (available at all fine bookstores and as an Academy Award-nominated Netflix film), I came from humble Appalachian roots. Then I went to Yale Law School. Then I became a venture capitalist in Silicon Valley. Then I decided tech companies are the enemy. It's all very consistent if you don't think about it too hard.
The beard represents stability in an ever-changing world. While my positions on trade, immigration, foreign policy, and who should be president may have evolved with the winds of political convenience, the beard remains constant. Well, except for that clean-shaven period we don't talk about.
Every American man shall be encouraged (but not required, because freedom) to grow a beard. Beards represent wisdom, masculinity, and the ability to change your mind about important things while looking distinguished.
My memoir will be required reading in all American schools, right after the Bible and the Constitution, but before whatever books we're currently banning. The movie adaptation will also be shown during lunch periods.
Supporting hardworking Appalachian communities by writing bestselling books about their struggles, then moving to San Francisco. It's called economic mobility, and I'm proof it works (for me).
Thanks to my good friend Peter Thiel, I learned that tech is both the future and also terrible for America. We'll invest in startups while simultaneously regulating them. It's called having it both ways.
Elite universities are destroying America, which is why I went to Yale Law School. We need to make elite education available to everyone so they too can complain about elite education.
Enshrining the right of all politicians to completely reverse their positions when politically convenient. I called Trump "America's Hitler" in 2016 and "the greatest president ever" in 2024. Growth!
"I'm a Never Trump guy. I never liked him... What Trump is doing breaks with 200 years of Republican Party history."
— J.D. Vance, 2016 (Pre-Beard Era)
Scientific correlation between beard length and political flexibility: 98.6%
"I have no idea what he believes, but that beard is magnificent."
— Undecided Voter, Middletown, Ohio
"He went to Yale AND has a beard. I don't know what to think."
— Appalachian Constituent
"From calling Trump 'America's Hitler' to being his successor. That's what I call growth."
— Political Analyst
"Hillbilly Elegy was good but the beard is his real masterpiece."
— Literary Critic & Barber
"He represents working-class values from his venture capital office in Silicon Valley."
— Think Tank Fellow